Welcome to Lynda Ward’s ‘Rhyme or Reason’, a regular column devoted to feline related sayings, poems, rhymes, limericks and ditties (these can be by you, or even by your cat or another animal). You’ll receive a free 2kg bag of James Wellbeloved premium cat food if your item is published (5kg if it’s chosen as the ‘Star Turn’) and it can relate to any aspect of cats and cat ownership. So don’t delay, start racking your brains for those serious, funny or wise words!
Contributions should be e-mailed to Lynda at lyndaward@pettradesolutions.com faxed to 01773 540703 or posted to Lynda Ward, c/o Our Cats, with your full postal address.
How to give your cat a pill
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice kitty”. Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of TV and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1. But hold cat’s front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get a new cat).
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open the cat’s mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you’re doing. That’s just as well.
6. Retrieve cat from top of fridge and pill from hair! Kneel on the floor and put cat in tunnel between legs. Sit on cat (gently!!). Prise open jaws, push in pill with forefinger of right hand while left hand tries to prevent cat reversing at speed from between your legs. Clamp jaws together with right hand.
7. Cat makes ominous growling noises, foams at mouth and swallows.
8. As soon as you release cat he/she spits out the pill he/she has pretended to swallow.
9. If you’re a woman, have a good cry. If you’re a man, have a good cry.
10. Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here anyway? Think... Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
11. Crawl to airing cupboard. Drag back large towel. Spread towel on floor.
12. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
13. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
14. Flatten cat’s front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist urge to flatten the cat).
15. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies ait for no man or woman.
16. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
17. Drop pill into cat’s mouth and poke gently. Voila! It’s done.
18. Vacuum up loose fur (cat’s). Apply bandages and Dettol to wounds (yours).
19. Take two aspirins and lie down.
20. Forget aspirin, drink large glass of wine.
(F. Butler, Holmer Green)
Mad half hours!
Mad half hours can start
any time of the day
Like something possessed it’s
classes as more than just play.
Dashing around in and out
every room
Cries of “lunatic“ are called
and it’s not even a full moon.
Chasing up and down the length
of the stairs,
Carpet threads are pulled
but ask if we care.
In our sheer madness ornaments
get smashed; we cry
“Come climb the curtains
you’ll find it a blast”!!
“Your days are numbered”
crossly we’re told;
“If you don’t start behaving
you’ll be out of the fold”.
Our fur stands on end when
we run into each other;
It’s pure pandemonium when we
catch a glimpse in the mirror.
As the half hour surpasses
and we start to feel weary
for slumber;
A light snack is taken
to keep us from hunger.
Like angels we fall asleep
and butter wouldn’t melt;
Until the next time we go crazy
and dash off at full pelt!!
(C. Wardle and the Lunableu Birmans, Coalville)
