Poem for a 14-Year-Old Convalescent Cat in the Winter
I want him to have another living summer,
to lie in the sun and enjoy the douceur de vivre
because the sun, like golden rum in a rummer,
is what makes an idle cat un tout petit peur ivre.
I want him to lie stretched out, contented,
revelling in the heat, his fur all dry and warm,
an old age pensioner, retired, resented by
no-one, and happiness in a bee-like swarm
to settle on him - postponed for another season
that last fated hateful journey to the vet
from which there is no return (and age the reason)
which must soon come - as I cannot forget.
(Gavin Ewart, Mail On Sunday)
***STAR-TURN***
REMEMBRANCE OF JASPER
12.5.95. - 1.11.04.
We have some precious photographs, collected in a book,
And from time to time and on “special days”, we go and take a look
Once more we realise these pictures are really part,
Not of the book they’re placed in but of our very heart.
We silently hear again your contented purr
And recall the softness of your silky fur.
A wonderful showcat in every way, Jasper was his name,
He filled our lives with happiness from the day he came.
So no matter how life changes, no matter what we do
A special place inside our hearts is set aside for you
Treasured memories of Jasper will never go away
for he walks beside us every day.
Your broken hearted Mum - Joy Frost
(J. Frost, Sutton Coldfield)
More tips on
‘How to give a cat a pill’
(1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
(2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
(3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
(4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
(5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
(6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
(7) Retriev cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
(8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
(9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
(10) Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
(11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
(12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the **!!** cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
(13) Tie the little **!!**’s front paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
(14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
(15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
(1) Wrap it in bacon.
(V. Martin, Chepel-en-le-frith)
